Being Frank with Sir Mac- An Addict’s Plea
Blog by MacFarlane Moleli
I do not know the extent to which my addiction causes pain and suffering but I know that like a soldier I’m at war with what is afflicting me. The urge, the craving, the need is also unbearable for me. It is a constant struggle, which I always lose and I do not wish this upon my worst enemy. I do love you, I really do and it hurts me to see what I am doing to you. I see the hurt and disappointment in your eyes every time you look at me and I know you had so many hopes and aspirations for me. Trust me when I say, I know I have let you down. I cannot begin to explain to you what causes me to behave this way, but I too, want to break free of the chains of addiction.
It is a struggle, I know, and a battle which I have to fight everyday. I wish I had the courage and strength to make it all go away. My family is everything to me and I know I am nothing without them, but still this dreadful world I escape to, every time I cut a line or light the rock or roll the joint, I am free. I feel happy and I enjoy it because it allows me to go places that I have never been. It gives me an unimaginable confidence: I am ready to take on the world and I feel unstoppable. I will never expect you to understand nor to sympathize with what I am going through. I would like you to know that I am not doing this to hurt you nor am I doing it because I don’t care for your feelings. I have given up on everything else and I watch my life get lit up or smoked up with every drag or snort of powder that goes up my nose.
Please understand that I also don’t like who or what I have become, I do not know this emaciated stranger that no longer has a zest for life. Forgive me for breaking your hearts for destroying the values that you raised me with, the parameters to which you had set out for me to lead a good and decent life. Your generation does not know the pressures that we are faced with on a daily basis. The life that we aspire to, always seems so far fetched, it seems almost impossible to reach. It is easy to say that other people have made different decisions; that they have chosen not to be on drugs, so why did you choose this path. Well I do not have the answers for that, I do not know why and I cannot begin to explain to you why I have done this. This all started as part of peer pressure or the affinity towards being the “Cool Kid”.
“All the cool kids do this, just try it once”, this is how it all starts. The problem is that you never know what the outcome will be. How far does that rabbit hole go? Addiction goes with personality and unfortunately my personality loved the rabbit hole. I kept smoking, snorting and blowing my life away because I loved it I loved what I did. I loved how it made me feel and what it did for my personality. I could speak to women, we partied all night and went to the coolest places. We hung around the “Cool Kids” which teenager would not want that life? So I kept going and going and going! Friends became fewer the circles became smaller and eventually my life was consumed by this life of drugs sex and alcohol.
This is the struggle of addiction, which every addict goes through. However, what we do not know is the suffering, which it brings to, loved ones. It is hard for them to comprehend or answer the question why? Why does it have to be my child? How have I failed my son or daughter? These are the relentless questions, which go through every parents mind or anyone that is in contact with an addict. Everyone that knows or is in contact with an addict feels a sense of responsibility for the addict’s behavior. But the fault or problem is not with them. People make choices. People always have a choice to tread a certain path. It is indeed painful that an addict chooses a path, which has no ending, or perhaps, there is an ending. Death, jail or rehab is the only solution or outcome for an addict’s life. I want to say I’m sorry, forgive me, and however allow me to also forgive myself.
I ask you as my caregiver, my mother, my sister, my family to allow me the space to start by forgiving myself for all the pain I have caused onto others. I can only begin by saying I’m sorry. Allow me to try again this thing called life, because clearly I have failed!
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author in his/her private capacity and do not in any way represent the views of Kaya FM.